The Crack Ship Sets Sail
by the state of Ohio
Summary: A collection of one-shot crack ships that I think have merit. Send me requests and I might do them.


Kaku x Perona

A crack pairing between Kaku and Perona. Perona is working at the CP9 base, training the soldiers to be completely emotionally resolute, and in exchange is pardoned for her past crimes. Kaku can't help but be interested in her, and no one, really, can help but be interested in Kaku.

* * *

"Perona, did I ever tell you why I love ships in bottles?"

It was raining. Kaku was watching (well, _sort_ of watching, he was also rather engrossed in his ship, but CP9 agents are trained to be able to concentrate on several things at once) as the trainees for CP9 were going through their 'Shave' lesson, taught by Blueno. These were always Kaku's favorite, since he greatly enjoyed watching the kids run into each other.

"No." Perona said, shortly.

"It's because-"

"Did I say I _wanted_ to know?"

"Just trying to make conversation."

Perona sighed, "Fine. Why?"

"It's because even when it's raining, I can still work on them."

"Normal people don't sit outside in the rain."

Kaku looked up at the sky. "You're right." He shot Perona a startlingly chilly look, "Maybe I should buy a huge, pink, frilly parasol- Oh; I see you took the last one." Kaku said coldly.

Perona let out a haunting laugh, "Like you're an authority on cute."

"I think I _am_ an authority on cubes!"

"I said _cute_, stupid! And why would you brag about being an authority on _cubes?_"

"People usually get it after I Nose Pistol them. Want me to enlighten you?"

"I'll throw you into a well of despair if you come anywhere near me, giraffe-freak!"

"Oh that tears it!"

Both jumped up, Kaku transforming into his hybrid form and Perona summoning several Hollows to her. Unfortunately, both had forgotten about the ship in a bottle sitting on Kaku's lap. Kaku stared in horror as it fell towards the ground, unable to react in time. He closed his eyes, waiting to hear the shattering impact but it never came. Only a soft thump. He opened an eye and hazarded a glance. The bottle was lying there. The ship seemed a bit damaged, but nothing irreparable. He picked it up, transforming back into a human, and as he did felt his hand brush against something soft. Though it was soaked in mud, he could make out a few stripes of white and blue. He was about to pick it up, when the world ended. He fell to his knees, despair clutching his heart. Hopelessness, fear, regret and pain overwhelmed him. Depression sunk in and he felt all power leave his body.

"If I die… I want to come back… as a square…" Kaku moaned.

Perona watched him carefully for a few seconds, before sighing with relief.

"That was close." Perona murmured, hand still outstretched from sending the Hollow, "Sorry about that Kumashi." She picked up her stuffed, muddied bear and held him at arm's length.

"I am a disgrace to giraffes." Kaku sobbed.

"Right." Perona said apprehensively, "Let's see if we can get Kalifa to clean you off."

* * *

"Perona, did I ever tell you why I love ships in bottles?"

It was sunny. Kaku was watching (well, again, _sort_ of watching) the Iron Body lesson, taught by Jabra. This happened to be his least favorite, since it largely involved people standing still for several minutes, with strained, constipation-esque expressions on their faces. He liked the part where people _tested_ the Iron Body, though. That was always good for a laugh.

"Yes." Perona said, shortly.

"Because-"

"You told me this the other day! Because they don't get wet when it rains!"

"That was only one reason."

"Oh, there are more?"  
"Of course!" Kaku smiled giddily, and Perona had to admit it was rather cute, "You can design them however you want! They're your ship! And you can make as many as you want, unlike real ships. Granted, real ships have their own advantages. There's nothing like building a ship you can walk around in! But with ships-in-bottles-"

"You're weird for an assassin."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're raving about ships-in-bottles! Assassins aren't supposed to have hobbies! They're supposed to be cold and emotionless! Like Lucci!"

Of course, for the sake of comedy, Lucci _had_ been behind her when she said that, but being a cold and emotionless man he wasn't bothered by the statement and just made a mental note of the matter.

"Would you like it more if I was cold and uncaring?"

"No!" Perona said, she realized, a bit too quickly, "I mean, that wouldn't be cute at all. And you can't afford to lose any cuteness."

Kaku's fingers fumbled a bit with the tweezers.

"I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that." He said finally.

_Damn it, _Perona thought, _he was just supposed to say some stupid retort!_

Suddenly, Kaku stepped on the ground in front of him. He felt around with his foot for a few seconds, but finally shrugged and stopped.

"What are you doing?" Perona snapped.

"Just looking." Kaku said, dismissively.

Perona felt a drop of sweat roll down her cheek, "For-?" She ventured. It would be best if she could get him to mention it, so she could kill whatever theory he had and replace it with something that didn't paint her as nice.

"I dropped this ship-in-a-bottle, but it didn't break. It landed on something, but I wasn't able to figure out what it was. I sort of blacked out. It felt kind of like…" He stopped what he was doing and stared at her levelly.

"Like… what?" She said, unable to break the stare.

"Like the world was falling apart." He said, shrugging.

"W-weird."

"Anyway, when I came to, whatever it was wasn't there. I just figured I might as well check. You didn't see what it was, did you?"

She noticed Kaku had looked past her, at Kumashi. She hid him behind her back.

"No." She said as resolutely as she could.

"Alright." Kaku said, "I just figured it must have been kind of important, considering you hit me with a Hollow to keep me from seeing it."

Perona's heart stopped.

"M-maybe I'm just cruel!" She said defensively. Kaku seemed to have, at some point, gotten a bit closer to her.

"You are, but why did you choose that exact time?"

"I don't know!"

Kaku had definitely gotten closer.

"You could have hit me anytime, granted then was when I was most vulnerable. Though, of course, I had my eyes closed for several seconds. Why didn't you send one-"

The world ended again.

Perona dove forward instantly and reached for the ship-in-a-bottle, but it wasn't falling. Kaku grabbed her wrist.

"Shave." Kaku grinned. Perona tried to pull her wrist away, but couldn't.

"Let go!"

"Looks like you're not as mean as I thought!" Kaku said triumphantly.

"Whatever." Perona grumbled. She sat down, only to realize her other hand was still on Kaku's lap. She pulled it away, blushing.

"So, what do you say, want to get dinner?"

"W-?!" Perona jumped back, face red. "That's awfully rash of you!"

"If I weren't rash, I wouldn't be a giraffe," Perona would never truly understand that sentence, "Sometimes it pays to grab life by the tail."

Jabra glanced up at this and narrowed his eyes at Kaku. _I'm watching you, giraffe-freak._

"Not this time. I'd never even consider going out with someone as un-cute as-"

"Then there shouldn't be a problem!"

"What?"

"I'm the most cube person I know!"  
"_Cute! I said cute!_" Perona wailed.

"That works, too!" Kaku said, leading her away.

* * *

"Perona, did I ever-"

"We're on a date!"

Kaku smiled, "I just wanted you to admit it."

Perona groaned.

"This is my first date you know!"

"You sound disappointed to be sharing it with me." Kaku said plainly.

"I was hoping it wouldn't be with a guy who was playing with a ship-in-a-bottle the whole evening!" Perona said, kicking at his legs. This was, of course, useless since kicking his legs was not unlike kicking dense, steel beams.

"If you're trying to make me drop it, it won't happen twice." Kaku said vindictively.

"And why is that?"

"It means something more to me now. Nothing bad is going to happen to it." Kaku said. Perona couldn't help but wish someone would talk about her like that. She shook the thought out of her head.

"Do you eat human food?" When a bad tenant leaves, there's a good chance he will be followed by a bad tenant. It was the same way with Perona's thoughts.

"Humans and giraffes eat some of the same food. It's not like giraffes eat wood."

"I suppose that could be bad, what with your obsession with ship-building."

Kaku smiled a little. Perona felt proud of herself.

"Are you saying you don't have hobbies?"

"I have dreams." She said loftily, "I work towards those, not towards dumb ships-in-bottles."

Kaku smirked at her, "And what would your dream be?"

She shrugged. Maybe if she could scare him he'd leave her alone, "To create a zombie army. I especially like zombie animals. I had a hippo and a kangaroo. A giraffe would be nice."

Kaku's smile didn't waver, he just stared at her levelly. She tried to grin creepily, but she finally broke and looked around.

"When's the waiter getting here?"

The two ordered their food, ate it and talked, with Perona still trying to creep out Kaku. This, of course, didn't work since Kaku was pretty used to weird people by now. And, by the time the evening was up, Perona had to admit she had enjoyed herself. Kaku was rather cute, at least cuter than anyone else on the island, and was fun once you got to know him. She was endlessly amused by his escapades trying to drink his beverage, since his nose kept getting in the way, and he was eventually forced to drink through a straw. Perona could not contain herself. He could even be chivalrous at times, which impressed Perona. However, when they got back to her house and Kaku leaned in to kiss her goodnight, she panicked and shot a Hollow through his chest at point-blank range.

She dove and grabbed for the ship-in-a-bottle, but Kaku had righted himself.

"You're getting good at that." He chuckled, though he sounded wheezy. Clearly Shave couldn't have reacted fast enough.

"You've gotten good at resisting my Hollows. That's troublesome."

Kaku kissed her on the cheek before she could pull away, and before she could do anything else he was running down the street. She felt like she should yell at him, but after a few seconds of stunned silence she touched her cheek, smiled and went inside.

* * *

"Perona, did I ever tell you why I love ships in bottles?"

It was rainy again. Kaku was watching (well… you know the drill) as the Finger Pistol lesson was going on, taught by Lucci. This was another rather humorous lesson since it involved several hours of people pointing dynamically at nothing in particular.

"Yes." She sighed, "But I assume-"

Kaku showed her the ship. The one he'd been working on for weeks. It looked great. Amazing, in fact. It looked like a ghost ship, but one that had, at one point, been a high-class luxury ship. She scanned along the side and gasped. _The Ghostly Queen_ was written along it, in curly golden letters.

"Because you can name them after someone important to you." Kaku then leaned in to whisper in her ear, "And because they're all mine."


End file.
